I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
