He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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