There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
