I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
