I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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