so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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