then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
