yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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