I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
