Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
where are my eyebrows?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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