I puked a lego.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize