Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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