the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Let's get the cat blown out
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
