life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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