The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
