so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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