hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You are the jesus of drinking
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
