You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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