I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
