I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
