I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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