she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
