She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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