I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
