I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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