Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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