ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
