my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
