I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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