I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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