Just fell off a train. Bad.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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