I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
