everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
