Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
