I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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