I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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