Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize