I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize