My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Randomize
