i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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