I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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