I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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