we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
