Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
