i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
