tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
