respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
