First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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