Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i've created a new STD.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
