He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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