I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
