I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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