and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
