sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
