new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
