I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
