so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
